Sidi-not so saintlY

In the loneliest part of the night when even the melancholy has left me,

And the taste of self-pity only lingers its faintest hint,

This silence is haunting me, rising up inside me, with each evaporating ringing and pop in my ear.

The stillness of every inanimate object makes me uneasy; yet it’s perfectly apt for its circumstances. 

The poetry my mind conjures up will never be comprehended in words, yet in this moment I believe myself to be Rumi’s incarnation. 

The loneliest part of the night tells me truths.

Truths I already know.

Yet I listen incessantly again and again,

Why? 

Because it’s my loneliest part of my night. 

Searching in my mind’s eye for my solace, knowing I left it far, far behind,

Not in my defeats,

Oh, no, much before then, 

It was left in the moments between childhood and adolescence,

When the haze of innocence dissipates to reveal the confusion that is everlasting. 

My only hope. 

To wrap myself in prayer, 

Bury my mind into the depths of belief. 

And so,

I’m sinking deep inside myself, 

Falling with the feeling of flying, 

I embrace my insignificance. 

Acknowledging all my fears, hopes and insurmountable dreams. 

They are all here around me. 

I no longer fear the fear or aspire for my hopes and dreams to be realised 

Oh, no I’m not so naive.

I no longer ask for what I always asked for, as that would be futile. 

I don’t aspire for material gain or the pleasure of good company, status, power or even love.

My aspirations are much higher than such niceties. 

I am unabashedly asking for it all. 

I ask for all that matters and everything I want. 

So, 

Lowering first my gaze, then my head, lower, lower and lower.

Eventually, my forehead feels the coolness of the floor. 

I can now break free from everything I have ever felt,

 I’m speaking without sound,

And I asking for everything in two words 

I ask my creator to, forgive me,

Forgive me. 

Forgive me.